January 29

I now believe that no one can understand what a family goes through in a deployment unless you've been through one yourself.  And even then, it varies, as all deployments are vastly different.  Most of you won't experience a deployment... some of you have and some of you will.  Well, here's what it felt like for us to say goodbye.
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How does one prepare oneself for the inevitable?

For the week up to that Sunday, I couldn’t even sit next to him without thinking about him leaving.  I sit next to him on the couch, my hand on his knee thinking, pretty soon I won’t be able to touch him.  Knowing that for 7 months I won’t have him coming home to me everyday, that I won’t see his smile or have him hold me at night  - it was almost more than I could wrap my mind around, more than I could bear.

I wanted to distance myself from him before he even left. The only way I could remain sane was to pretend that he wasn’t leaving. Denial. In order to function that last week, I had to pretend that he wasn’t leaving… but even that didn’t help – because you can’t forget. It’s there in the back of your mind, hanging over you like dead weight, just bringing you down. Making you sick to your stomach. Literally. I felt like I could throw up at any given moment.

That Sunday morning we decided not to go to church so we wouldn’t be stressed with getting out the door and keeping the kids quiet during the service.  Nic finished packing (leaving nice messes for me to clean up when we got home later - thanks, babe) and we left to go eat brunch.  Brunch was nice although it felt too much like a "last meal" to really be that enjoyed. I went through series of swallowing lumps and blinking back tears.

We left from eating to go straight to the airport.  I dropped Nic off so he could get in line and then I took the kids to park the car and to meet him inside.  He had a few extra minutes before he had to go through security so we let the kids play … but it felt like we were just slowly peeling a band aide off (Can we just get this over with?) so we headed to security.

At security we said our goodbyes and I could barely look at him, barely talk. Colton started to immediately weep uncontrollably, sobbing “Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!” over and over again, clinging to Nic’s neck.  Everyone's looking. When Nic said he had to go, Colton cried, “But I won’t have a Daddy anymore!”  I had to peel him off of Nic. Maximus was an angel and, I think, proud of the fact that he wasn’t crying while Elora was simply oblivious.  But I had to hold both Elora & Colton, who was still sobbing and crying “Daddy,” while I said a quick good-bye to Nic. 

The lump in my throat was painful.  I kept my eyes as wide open as they would go, so I could hold back tears. I couldn’t even look him in the eyes… Our kiss goodbye was pathetic, quick and as emotionless as I could muster – anything to keep my calm.  Not at all like the passionate, long farewell kisses you see in the movies. Apparently those directors never did any research. Have you seen We Were Soldiers, with Mel Gibson?  His wife pretends to be sleeping when he gets up in the middle of the night to leave.  After he leaves, she decides that she really did want to say goodbye or maybe just see him one last time, but it's too late - he's already left.  Much more accurate.

Anyway, Nic walked through security as we walked away, back through the airport to the parking garage and our car, all the while I’m still carrying both kids and Colton is still screaming for Nic.  I’m blinking back tears and ignoring the stares.  Maybe no one will notice if I wear my sunglasses….When we get in the car, while Colton is still crying “daddy” over and over again, Maximus says “Wow Mommy, Daddy really broke Colton’s heart.”

After about 5 minutes in the car, Colton stopped crying.  I took them all to the store where we did some retail therapy.  Colton cried for Nic again at bedtime.

I haven’t sobbed yet … I don’t feel helpless yet.  But my heart definitely feels empty.

Back to my question, of preparing for the inevitable.... you can't prepare.  You just endure it.

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I was just thinking today, isn't it nice of the Marine Corps to give me this opportunity to appreciate my husband a bit more? :)